And I'll tell you again and again
by Lau Ackerman
Summary: Hange feels she's failed her team and Levi tries to confort her, which makes some hidden feelings come to the surface.


He stepped inside the room quietly, stealthy as always. Being so quiet had certainly proved useful back in his bandit days, if he could be called that, but more so when he was living with his uncle.

It was still weird as fuck to call him 'uncle'.

"Hey, four-eyes", he said, startling the woman bending on the desk with her back turned to him. The nickname had propably tried to be hurtful one day, when he had started using it, but now it was simply his nickname for her, no bitterness in it whatsoever.

She didn't turn around to look at him, but he saw how the muscles in her back relaxed a little now that she knew it was him. Still, he wanted to see her face.

It would be a shock for a lot of people to find out the the all-mighty Captain Levi Ackerman, humanity's stronger soldier, as people liked to call him, actually had a soft spot for his closest comrades. Or maybe it wouldn't be, he couldn't be sure with how crazy people acted these days. They thought him a hero and it was his understanding that heros are usually kind, warm and caring. Hange had once said that they wouldn't love him so much if they knew how grumpy he was and how annoying his OCD could get. He hadn't care then and he definetly didn't care now.

But it wasn't really that he had a soft spot for his Commander, it was merely proffesional concern. Since she was the one calling the shots, she should be in her best shape, fisically _and_ mentally. There was nothing personal in making sure he could trust his boss's decisions, right? Well, that's what he told himself, anyway.

"Go away, Levi, I don't want to talk right now".

Now _that_ stung. No matter how grimm things had looked, Hange would never not be in the mood to talk. She would certainly never be not in the mood to talk to _him._ But here he was, being rejected by the person he never thought would push him away.

He knew it was petty of him, to get upset over what was a show of anger and despair obviously not directed at him, but it hurt him nonetheless. Hange was supposed to be the one with the bright smile, the kind words and the optimistic look in her eyes. He already had the darker mood covered.

But this time he knew that she felt anything but optimism, hence the snap at him and the low, somewhat dark tone of her voice. He hated to hear it. He hated to hear _her_ like this.

"If you are blaming yourself fot this, you shouldn't. It's not your fault and you're just gonna waist your time moping around when you could be doing such more useful things", he told her bluntly. "Getting your shit together and acting like the Commander you are, for example".

"You know what a very important part of a Commander's work is?", she snapped back. She also turned her head a little, so he could see part of her face, just enough for him to actually see how disraught she really was about the whole thing. "I am supposed to guide my soldiers into battle, but also take good care of them the rest of the time. And that's exactly what I didn't do this time."

"Hange, there was no other solution, and you know it", he used her name this time. He always did when he got serious with her, and so she turned around completely to look him in the eyes. Hers seemed like they were on fire.

"It was my responsability to find one, as the Commander of the Survey Corps, has _her_ Commander", she growled. With her crazy and carefree behaviour, it was sometimes easy to forget that she was every bit as fierce as the Captain himself. In times like this one, though, it was crystal clear that Hange Zoe was more than the mad scientist everyone thought she was.

"Historia made her choice. She could've said no to the plan, force our hand to find another way out", he kept trying to reason with her, but something told him that he wouldn't get anywhere the way she was. "It was her decision, and I think it was very selfless, very brave, but mainly her own. So there's no point in feel-"

"I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED HARDER FOR ANOTHER OPTION!"

At that, Levi was, for the first time in who knows how long, taken aback. He had never seen Hange lose her temper to this point. She had been angry in his presence a handful of times, sure, but he had never seen that helpless look in her eyes —well, her only eye, now. He had never seen her so defeated. And that hurt him more than her harsh tone towards him.

He had known the moment Historia had stepped into the room where they had been hanging out with the other kids —to him they were still the stupid kids he had met four years ago— that she didn't have a good reason to visit them. As much as Hange seemed to like to think that she was still under her protection, the truth was that Historia was the Queen, and she wouldn't just come by to hang out with her old unit for fun. She didn't have time for that.

So when she told them that she had finally done her part of the plan, the faces of the kids went from surprise, to rage, to disbelief —in Eren's case, rage was the first and only emotion to grace his features— but Levi's had just stayed as cold as it always was, even if the slightest bit of heat could be found in his eyes.

But he didn't pay much attention to the rest of the team, because he was focused on the emotions running through Hange's face. He had expected to see some sadness for the girl, but he found nothing instead. Absolutely nothing. Just a blank stare in a suddenly livid face. He worried for a moment that she was about to faint then and there, but she was into motion the next second as if that hollow expression hadn't been on her face at all. She hurried over to Historia's side to assure her that they would take good care of her, that they would protect her and see that her sacrifice hadn't been for nothing.

He had heard a voice inside his head telling him to go to them and say something of the sort, too, but he had found himself petrified. Her blank face had scared the hell out of him. Hange, his Hange, was all colourful expressions, and loudness, and wildness, and crazyness and _life_ , but in that moment he had seen all of that gone, and he had been startled by a sudden realization.

He never wanted to see that look on her _ever_ again.

So now they stood still, facing each other, after her not so unexpected outburst. In all honesty, he'd rather have her yelling at him than wearing that horrible expression again, but it was still weird for him to have her talk to him in such a way. He understood then that that look he now hated had appeared in the moment something had broken inside of his unbeatable friend, and she had kept herself together in front of the others, but she had to lash out at some point. And he had been just punctual enough.

"Historia had to go and get pregnant to buy us time because we are as incompetent as they come," she continued, in a lightly lower volume, but her tone had the same edge as before, "and now the poor girl will be forever charged with something she hadn't even had the time to think about wanting to have so we can keep being incompetent."

"She did it so we had more time, and it's not like we are going to waste it. It's not like you not to see the silver linings." It definetely wasn't.

"A teenager had to get pregnant to save all of our asses for a few more months, Levi, there are _no_ silver linings."

"Is that why you're so upset? Because of her choice?"

"It wasn't a choice, Levi, to make a choice you actually have to have other options."

"It still doesn't make it your fault."

"It still doesn't make it right."

Silence fell upon them. He could have sworn that that dreadful look was showing its ugly face again after what seemed to be her final words on the matter had been said. Well, he would be damned if he was going to let that happen.

He took a step forward so that he was right in front of her, eyes looking slight up because of their heigh difference.

"Listen to me, four-eyes," he used her nickname just for the sake of a good effect, "you don't have any responsability in this. You don't have to wear the weight of everyone's disgraces on your shoulders. You don't have to give up because you got upset about a bad outcome. When one of our soldiers is injured, we take care of them, but we keep moving forward. That's the way of the Survey Corps, isn't it?"

He had expected her to light up at least _a little_ at that last sentence, but instead she wore a pained expression that fought with the blank stare of before for the first position of Levi's 'Looks I don't ever wanna see Hange wearing again' list. He was about to keep rumbling until she got better when she started talking again:

"Erwin should've chosen you."

Levi's blood run cold at the statement. He knew for a fact that, even if she had been surprised at first, she was very proud of Erwin naming her the new Commander, after him. She was an incredible leader, even if she would sometimes get lost in her excitement and her excentricities, and she knew it, because Erwin —no, everyone— had believed in her. The fact that she was wishing it had never happened had Levi more worried than any of the terrifying looks she had worn in the last minutes. She was close to giving up altogether, if she hadn't already.

"Don't say that. I'm no leader material. I can handle a bunch of idiots running after me, following my orders every now and then, but the diplomacy that comes in the job description is not my thing, you know that." As much as he was saying it to cheer her up, he really meant it. He wasn't good at politics, mostly because he wasn't good at hiding it when he thought the person he was talking to was an idiot, but Hange, just like Erwin had been back in the day, even if she had her own style, could be eloquent and charming when needed be. If he had been the one doing the speech, they would be in constant war with the other branches of the military, especially with the Military Police.

"Someone else, then. But you'd all be better with another Commander", she said that with defeat written all over her face and clear in her voice. Levi felt his fear fade away only to notice how his blood was suddenly boiling.

How dare she said such a thing.

He grabbed her arms forcefully, startling her a little, and brought his face even closer to hers, so much that their noses were practically touching, and hissed at her, even if he really felt like yelling at her stupidity:

" _Don't_ say that. Don't you dare say something like that. You have no idea how wrong you are," he tried to ignore the fact that she was slowly going back to that hollow expression, only this time the rest of her body followed, because he could feel her getting limp in his arms. "There is no one better than you for this position. Those kids are lucky to have you taking care of them, and I am sure that they know that, because they _adore_ you, Hange. They would follow you to death, if you asked them to. Do you really think they would do something like that if they didn't trust you in the least?"

He could see the tears begin to form in her now sad, sad eye, and as much as he didn't want to see her cry, he needed to carry on with this. She needed to hear it. He did let go of her arms though, only to cup her face with his hands more gently than he should.

"And I am lucky that you let me be at your side and help you in any way I can, because I wouldn' want to do it for anybody else. You are the best Commander we could ever hope for, and I'm sure Erwin, if he was looking at you right now, would tell you the same thing," he took a shaky breath in to continue, "so don't even think that you are not the ideal person for this job because you would be basically calling al of us idiots."

Tears where now streaming down her face, and he felt a little guilty at that. He hadn't wanted to make her cry, but at least it was an emotion that he could handle, not like when she was staring blankly ahead like before. He tried to swipe them away the best he could, but the task proved to be difficult because of her eye-patch. The action ended up being a little awkward, not that either of them cared.

"I never thought I'd live to hear you say something like that to any one, let alone me", she said, this time with a half smile. He wouldn't admit it outloud, but that small smile warmed his heart and put him a little at rest, even though he was still worried.

"Well, I'll deny it if you go around telling everyone that I did", he continued her joke with a smile of his own. Then he turned serious again. "But I'll tell you all the times that you need to hear it, just... Don't make that face anymore."

Confussion shone in her pupil, as if she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Before, when Historia told us the happy news. Your face went blank for a second," he explained. "Don't do that again. It's not like you to look emotionless and it scared the hell out of me. I thought you were going to lose your shit at any moment, big time."

"So what? You're always complaining about me being loud and noisy. You should be ecstatic, not upset."

Oh, so now she was teasing him. As annoying as that could be, Levi relaxed at last, knowing that his Hange was back.

"It was creepy. You looked as if you had lost the last loose screw in that crazy head of yours."

"So... You're saying that you like me better when I'm annoying you with my noise?"

As she was saying that, she was sliding her hand up his chest and past his shoulders, so that she could put her arms around his neck. That was when Levi realized the position they were in. She was half sitting on her desk, with him very close to her, each leg at either side of hers, with his hands still cupping her face. The sneaky grin that appeared on her face should have been enough to make him blush furiously, had he not been too proud to let that happen.

"I didn't say that. It's just that I don't want to have a mentally unsteable boss. Now let go of me, if I know you, you probably haven't cleaned up in the past five days. At least."

"I always forget." Now it wasn't a simple grin in her face. It was a full smile with a hint of mischief. "But I don't want to let go, Levi. I was just on the verge of a mental breakdown, I need... Comfort."

He couldn't believe this woman. She was _teasing_ him, after he had had the decency to worry about her. Oh, the nerv.

He wouldn't be able to explain what came to him later, but instead of shutting her off, he responded to her teasing in a way she definetely wasn't expecting.

"Don't ask for something you won't be able to handle."

"Oh, please, _Captain,_ don't-"

Whatever clever remak she was going to make to tease him further died in her lips when he pressed his own against them. His hands were still on her face, forcing her to stay put. But instead of trying to push him away, she used her position with her arms around his neck to pull him closer.

Levi had actually only intended to give her a brief kiss to teach her a lesson, to show her not to mess with him. But the moment their lips met, all rational thought escaped his mind, as improbable as that may seem —the great and ever so collected Captain Levi— and he lost himself in the kiss.

Hange run her fingers through his hair, and he let a deep moan out as one of his arms circled her back while he deepened the kiss. There was literally no space left between their bodies, and for once it didn't bother Levi in the least, to have someone invading his personal space so evidently. In fact, he was quite enjoying it.

Their breaths were heavy and their hands were exploring each other as much as they could with their military uniforms on. Suddenly, their clothes started to bother him, and for a second the thought of getting rid of them there and then cross his mind and looked very attractive indeed.

But it was precisely that thought what brought him back to reality. He was horrified that he had had that though at all, about his Commander, the Commander with whom he was making out in that very moment. On her desk.

He abruptely stepped back, like he had been burned. He certainly felt like he was on fire, but that was for completely different reasons.

She looked surprised because of his sudden reaction, and also her eye was a little glazed, as if she had just been rudely awaken from a very pleasant dream.

"I...", she started, but seemed to be unable to find any words in that moment.

Levi, on his part, was trying to control his breathing and to cast away from his mind a series of certain thoughts. _Trying_ being the key word there, because he wasn't doing a good job at any of those things.

No matter how much he had longed to do exactly what they had been doing on that desk, he had pushed those ideas away to the back of his mind to the point when he really thought he had forgotten about those urges. But, clearly, he hadn't.

And now his mind was racing trying to read her changing expression. Was she angry? Was that a frown? Was she about to yell at him? Fuck, he had messed up. What if she gets mad at him for doing... She is his Commander, after all. It hadn't been apropriate. And, when the hell had he become such a hysteric little boy? There he was, freaking out about a kiss. For God's sake, he wasn't a teenager anymore.

But that was what that damn woman did to him everytime, had he had the courage to aknowledge it or not. She would be loud, annoying, unpredictable and scandalous, but he would find himself looking forward for her to bother him with her crazyness. He strongly believed that they couldn't be bothered with things like romance with the position they both held, and so he had traced a line to keep certain thoughts and certain feelings at bay. He was fighting to save the people of Paradis from a great enemy —first the titans, now the rest of the world— so he couldn't afford to slip and confess his love for his comrade. He was a big boy, he could live with it.

But now he had crossed that line that he had so cautiously drawn between them, and had absolutely no idea if he was going to be able to push thos feelings away again. More importantly, he had no idea of how she was going to react. His brain was begging for him to act as if it had been just a joke, an innocent act as part of their banter and that it had no other intention whatsoever. But he refused to play that card. It would be cowardly of him, which wasn't at all his style. Plus, her reaction hadn't been an awful one, had it? Maybe she wasn't mad, maybe...

"Levi." Her voice took him out of his thoughts and he realized that it wasn't the first time she had called him. "I thought you said _I_ wouldn't be able to handle it, not that _you_ would pass out right after."

"I'm not passed out", he answered, his pride a little hurt.

"At this rate, you will be soon."

"I... I was just thinking that I shouldn't have done that. It was going to be quick, and a joke, and it just got out of hand." Well, so much for the 'that would be cowardly' argument. "I see you feel better now, so I'll get going." And with that he turned around and started walking to the door.

He didn't know in that how he was going to deal with all of this, but he was sure that he needed a little time and space to figure it out and come up with a strategy. Yes, he would do that. He would get away from her, not even look at her face until he-

"Sure. And Levi, thank you for what you said. About me being a good Commander. I'll send for you everytime I feel a little down and need you to tell me that."

That damn woman.

He looked at her over his shoulder, with a small smile.

"And I'll tell you again and again."


End file.
